The Long Awaited Parody
by Fan of Fan Fic
Summary: Yes, its finally here. An Alex Rider parody. Artemis Fowl phobics, be warned.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I OWN IT ALL! ...well, no. Not really. I don't own Artemis Fowl or Alex Rider. They belong to the brilliant Eoin Colfer, and the er... somewhat brilliant Anthony Horowitz. **

**Warning: This story IS a PARODY, which means that I WILL be making fun of Alex Rider (someone has to...) If you do not enjoy reading parodies then you will probably not like this. so don't flame me for not warning you. I'd also like to mention that I've only read three of the books, so keep that in mind as you read.**

**Now, if you do like Parodies then I hope you enjoy the following one. I mostly made it because, when I went to look at the Alex Rider fan fics, I found (to my horror) that there were NO parodies. I mean, a story like this with a Gary Stu as its main character and cheesy storylines is simply a parody writer's dream come true! So here it is. The long awaited Alex Rider parody! Read, review, and enjoy. **

Alex Rider was bored. He really didn't want to be a spy... but he really did! No wait... he didn't... or did he? This was all so confusing. Even more confusing was the fact that any adult in their right mind would hire a 14 year old as a spy. He vaguely remembered having considered this a while back, but he'd pushed it away, never to bring it up again. After all, Alex was a smart kid. If something fishy happened, then he would notice. Right? RIGHT?

"This kid is so damn gullible!" Laughed Alan Blunt. He was sitting in his office watching Alex on his computer screen.

"I don't get what's so funny..." remarked Mrs. Jones. "All he's doing is sitting there." She glanced skeptically at the screen.

"Its not what he's doing..." Alan explained. "Its what he's thinking. The kid still hasn't figured out that he's on reality tv! Think we should arrange another mission for him? You know... just to get ratings up?"

"I don't know..." She bit her lip. "No offense, but don't you think you're fake missions are a bit dangerous? I mean, he's almost died... how many times now? What if he sues? He'll have the whole world to back him up!"

"No he won't," Alan Blunt scoffed, waving it aside. "He'll never figure it out, at least not at this rate. He's found our hidden cameras at least a dozen times, and hasn't even questioned them. Lets face it, this kid could never actually be a real spy! And its his own fault if he didn't want to be on this show, he should've read the finer print on his contract!"

"That wasn't a contract, that was a napkin. You asked him how to spell his name."

"Well who knew that Alex was spelled with an 'A'?"

Mrs. Jones sighed, as she and Alan returned to the screen. Alex was now practicing 'cool', flailing karate kicks in front of his mirror.

"Alex?" called Jack, from down stairs. "Alex? what's all that noise coming from?" She listened for a moment, but the loud crashes banging from his bedroom continued. She rolled her eyes and walked up the stairs. "Alex!" she knocked on his door. There was another crash, and then a groan and footsteps as Alex went to open the door.

"What is it?" He asked Moodily, seeing Jack standing in the hallway. He was sweating and wearing a MI6 T-shirt, that read 'I am a spy'.

"You were practicing karate again, weren't you." Jack said, leaning over to see that Alex had broken nearly everything in his room, including everyone of his spy gadgets that normally saved his ass from certain death.

"Yeah, why?" he asked, in a bored tone, that suggested he was about to get sarcastic. "Did you wanna fight me or something?"

"What?" Jack never understood his sarcasm. "No, I just wanted you to quiet down. And I'll have you know that I'm not paying to have your bed replaced again. If you shoot the mattress one more time, then it will be coming out of your allowance!"

"Fine," Alex huffed, rolling his eyes. "Just leave me alone..."

"Oh, and Alex! Just one more thing. The T-shirt is a bad idea. I mean if you really were a spy then-" She stopped herself midsentence, and threw a hand across her mouth. Now she'd done it! She'd revealed the truth about Alex not actually being a spy. There was a silence as Alex gazed with a shocked expression at her. "Sorry Alex, I didn't mean to-"

To her surprise Alex smiled.

"Its alright Jack." He said, suddenly all understanding. "I know its hard to get used to, and you probably worry about me when MI6 sends me out on missions, but you have to accept the fact that I am a spy. My line of work involves a lot of risk, but I promise you. I'll be okay." He then gave the shocked Jack Starbright an unexpected hug, "Don't worry."

"Uh...yeah." It was all jack could say. She'd been so sure that she'd blown MI6's cover, but apparently Alex wasn't even as smart as she'd thought... which was saying something, for she'd lived with Alex for quite some time and had only seen him do one smart thing...ever. That had been throwing himself out of his window one night. Too bad he'd caught hold of the gutters just in time...

"Well, good night." he said. "I've got to get some sleep. Blunt has asked me to come by his office tommorrow before school. Seems that they need me, again." He chuckled to himself. "Where would the world be without me protecting it?"

"Yeah...er, okay." Jack said, still amazed with what she'd gotten away with. "I'm just gonna...you know, go back downstairs. Um, good night I guess..." Alex smiled as she descended down the stairs.

Meanwhile...

"Phew," sighed Alan, still staring at the screen. "that was close. That American girl nearly gave us away."

Mrs. Jones was gazing horror struck over his shoulder. "Is he stoned or something?" She asked seriously. Alan Blunt laughed.

"No." He said. "He's just Alex. He's perfect for the show really. Never suspects a thing...unless we tell him to. Just like a dog, haha."

"Its not funny!" Mrs. Jones said firmly. "He's going to kill himself one of these days!" Alan just shrugged.

"Then it'll be a reality Tv special!" He said. "First reality Tv fatality, aired on national TV! Who will it be? Has Alex finally reached his boiling point-" Blunt's fake announcer voice was cut off as mrs, Jones slapped him across the face. Blunt just laughed.

"I need a peppermint." She muttered stalking out of the room. "And don't give him another mission, please." She called over her shoulder.

"Too late." Blunt called back "He's coming tomorrow morning."

The next day:

Alex rode to MI6's headquarters on his special bike. It had been custom made just for him, with the poor paint job his uncle had given it and a playing card stuck in the rear wheel that made the bike sound like a motorcycle... or a very annoying kazoo, but it was still his favorite bike, and he liked to point out how he wished he'd never outgrow it.

"Must he always ride that thing here?" asked Blunt, as he looked out the window to see Alex approaching the building. He was cringing and wore the expression of one who was about to be sick. "The thing is an eye sore. I swear we lose viewers everytime that junk pile is shown!"

"It's just a bike Alan." Said Mrs. Jones. "Sheesh, can't the kid have the right to ride whatever the hell he wants to?"

"No." Alan said, actually taking the question quite seriously. "I say we design some invigorrating plot to have his bike smashed to bits... and then we'll blame it on Yassen Gregorovich. We'll have to make it seem real though... or else he might just start thinking."

Mrs. Jones frowned. "And what's so hard about having someone put it in the middle of the road while he's up here talking with you?" She'd expected an answer... there was always a reason they couldn't do the obvious, but apparently blunt hadn't thought of the obvious.

"Good thinking!" He exclaimed. "Why... why didn't I think of that? Jones, you're a genius you know!"

"No, I didn't mean-" Began Mrs. Jones,

"I'll just keep him distracted while you move the bike!"

"Me?" asked Mrs. Jones. "But sir, as much fun as you're having with this whole 'lets get old Ian back for his practical jokes' thing, we are still working for the government! We have jobs, and need I remind you how many times we've almost lost Tony blair in the last couple of months?"

Alan looked disheartened. "Fine, the bike can stay..." he sighed. "And I promise this will be the last mission I give Alex. The show will be canceled after that."

"Good." Mrs.Jones smiled. "And I suggest you break the news to him fairly soon. I mean, if you want ratings up then do it during his mission."

"Mr. Rider is here," Said a very annoyed sounding secretary as she walked into the room to refill Blunt's coffee cup. "He keeps on asking for coke, and then dumping it into various potted plants! The kid is driving me insane! I told him to stop it, but he said you'd fire me if I didn't get him whatever he wanted!"

"Don't worry, Rose," Said Blunt. (secretaries are always named after plants). "He'll be gone by next week. We're canceling the show."

"Really?" Asked the Secretary, suddenly looking delighted. "Well that's exellent news sir! I've actually considered quitting my job these last few weeks! Now I won't have to." She finished refilling the two cups and went back out to get Alex, humming the entire time. A moment later Alex Rider stepped into the room, trying to look suave and cool...like James Bond. However, the tuxedo was far too big and he merely looked like a small child playing dress up.

"Hmmm..." Said Alan, regaurding his outfit with extreme disapproval. "Let me guess, are you a magician today?"

"James Bond..." muttered Alex. There was a silence as Blunt continued to stare at the outfit. Uncomfortable, Alex finally spoke. "So...er, what's my new mission?"

"Is that an actual James bond suit?" asked Blunt, disregaurding the question. "Like, from the movies?"

"Yeah..." Alex said. "Don't you like it? I thought it would make me look like more of a spy..."

"Where did you get it?" Blunt was already scheming about how he could get rid of it.

"Ebay... But why are you so interested? I thought I was here for a mission, not a fashion lecture! And its not a fake! The owner assured me that it was made specifically for a fan of the movies!"

"That doesn't mean Sean Connery wore it!" Blunt said, "In fact, that states just the opposite! Made for a fan!"

"Are you implying that I, super spy kid Alex Rider, was fooled! Never! Nobody can outsmart me! Not even that shady Artemis Fowl character that so many people pair me up with. This suit was taylor made for someone called..." he looked at the name embroidered onto his front pocket. "...Biddy Mulligins. See?" He stuck out his chest proudly.

"Maybe if I contacted Yassen, I could have him- what?" Blunt said. He had accidentally started to scheme out loud, and missed everything Alex had just said. "Oh...yes yes, um. So about your next mission, I think you should have a seat Alex... this may come as a bit of a surprise..."

Alex suddenly put on his concerned, but serious face and sat down. "What is it Alan? Is it about...my...my parents?" His lower lip trembled.

"Uh... no," Alan said, giving the boy a somewhat reluctant pat on the back. "Its just a mission..."

"OH, okay!" Alex said cheerfully. "So all you want me to do is risk my neck and almost get me killed again, for the sake of the world or something, while almost completely relying on luck?"

"Do I detect sarcasm?" Blunt growled. Alex looked genuinely confused... though that was probably because he WAS genuinely confused.

"No sir..." he said. "I'm merely repeating what you always have me do..."

"Oh, right." Alan said. "Just so long as you're not being a smart ass, like you usually are..."

"I'm not a smart ass!" Alex said. "You know nothing about me! You just use me, like always! Spying is stupid, I hate it! I wish I'd never met you!" Alex's face was growing red with rage. "All you want to do is get information by risking my life, and its not fair!"

"That's not what we want to do," Mrs, Jones lied, nervously nibbling at another peppermint.

"Thank you Mrs. Jones, but you're not my mother! I quit! I won't do it! ...when can I start?"

"Tommorrow." Alan blunt said calmly. He'd been absentmindedly stirring his coffee as he'd been waiting for the ever familiar 'child abuse' speech to end, and now took a sip as he handed Alex a folder, with the big, red, bold words 'TOP SECRET' written obviously across it. Alex snatched it hungrilly, and looked as if mesmorized at the red letters.

"I suggest you read it at home Alex, so that you won't annoy me with your many questions." Blunt said. "But I'll give you a brief description of what will be expected of you."

"Why do I have to eat bugs?" asked Alex, who had started reading the file anyhow.

"Read it at home!" Blunt snapped, grabbing the folder away from Alex and rolling his eyes as the boy's eye's began to water. "I'll give it back before you leave." He assured the young 'spy'. Alex tried to look defiant, but he really REALLY wanted it back.

"You're mean..." he finally muttered, after having failed the defiant scowl.

"Yes, well that's what I'm paid for." Blunt smiled. "Now if I could just have you turn your chair slightly so that the camera can have a better shot of your face..."

Alex nodded, and unquestioningly turned his chair. "There, is that good?" asked Alex. Blunt nodded "Mrs. Jones, are you alright?"

Mrs.Jones was, again, looking horrified.

"Er...she's fine..." Said Blunt. "Now if you could just lift your face up...a little higher. There." Said Blunt. "Sorry, bad lighting... Okay, now let me fill you in."

"Can I have a coke?" asked Alex. "I'm really thirsty..."

"No." said Blunt. "you'll only dump it out when I'm not looking..."

"Purleeze!' persisted Alex. "My throat is parched..."

"We have business to talk about!" Blunt said exasperated.

"Just give him the coke..." Mrs. Jones said calmly. "I'll see to it that he doesn't do anything bad." She smiled warmly at Alex... but Alex rolled his eyes.

"Fine," Blunt got up and, minutes later, returned with a coke. "There happy?" Blunt asked.

"Yaaaa-up!" Alex said annoyingly, and popped the can open.

"Good." Blunt sat down. "Now what we're going to do is send you, under cover-"

"Under cover?" asked Alex, raising an eyebrow. "Isn't that a bit extreme?"

"Alex, we always send you under cover..." said Blunt.

"You do?" asked Alex, his eyes suddenly widening. "How come you never told me?" Blunt sighed, and closed his eyes as he rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"Could you please just listen while I try to explain this?" asked Blunt. "I'm tired of all of your stupid questions, and truthfully you're really damn annoying...Alex...ALEX! Stop slurping your coke!"

"I wasn't slurping!" Alex said defensively. Blunt opened his eyes to see that Alex's nose was dripping. "I was trying to snort it. See, I heard that if You snort coke, you can get high-"

"That's cocaine!" Blunt said through gritted teeth. "Mrs. Jones, why don't you try to explain it..." he said, turning to his partner.

"Me!" she asked, looking horrified again. "I told you I wanted no part in this, Alan! You explain it, it was YOUR idea!"

"Yes, but the boy listens to YOU!" Blunt said, still through gritted teeth.

"Can I get a coke?" asked Alex.

"I just gave you one..." Blunt said, not turning towards Alex since he was apparently trying to stare mrs.Jones into submission...it wasn't working...

"This isn't coke." Alex whined. "It's some off brand! I want a real coke!"

"Alex... can you read?" asked Blunt, whithering under the glare that Mrs.Jones was shooting at him.

"Yeah..." Alex said.

"Are you still holding the can?"

"Yup." Alex replied.

"Then READ the label on the SIDE of the friggin CAN!"

"It says Coke.."

"Then what's the problem?"

"The can's lying!" Alex said stubbornly. "I know what Coke tastes like and this most definitely is NOT coke!"

"why on earth would the can lie? Listen to your self Alex! You sound like a five year old-" Blunt suddenly gave a yelp as he felt something cold rush down the back of his neck. "Alex!" He growled warningly, turning towards the boy. "You better not have done what I think you just did..." He heard Mrs. Jones stifle a laugh as she saw the back of Blunt's shirt. Alex was glaring defiantly at him.

"It is NOT coke!" He said, and threw the empty can on to the floor. Alex sat down and folded his arms, "I want a real coke," He said, "The one from Coca Cola! The real stuff! NOW!" He roared the last part out and ended it with a belch.

"Thats disgusting," Said Blunt, "If you can't behave then you won't get to do this mission,"

Suddenly Alex was off of his chair and pounding his fists into the floor. "I WANNA COKE! I WANT REAL COKE! I WANT THE COKE AND THE MISSION!" From the floor below them there could be heard angry yelling from a business meeting.

"Alright! Alright!" Said Blunt, cringing as the telephone started ringing.

"Mr. Blunt," Came the secretary's voice over the intercom, "Some people from down stairs want a word with you in the alley behind the building."

"Alex!" Blunt said frustratedly as the youth continued to kick the floor, "I already said you would get your coke, just shut the hell up and sit back in your chair!"

Alex stopped, got up, sat down and belched again, then he stared at Mrs. Jones and said "I want a peppermint too," He held out his hand expectantly but Mrs. Jones was eating them obsessively and didn't notice.

"Could I get some rope!" Blunt called out, to the secretary. He looked doubtfully at the boy and then added "A lot of rope!"

thirty minutes later Alex was tied to his chair. Imprisoning the boy had taken some time, considering that Alex had tried to jump out of the window twice, and had even attempted to stab Blunt with a ball point pen.

"Now listen up." panted the sweating Alan Blunt. "Because I'm only going to explain this once! We're sending you to a remote island in the south pacific, where you will have to try and survive the harsh wilderness without any outside help. Your companions will be 47 people who have recently been stranded on the island after their Oceanic flight went down-"

"Ahem.' Coughed Mrs. Jones. "Er... that's the show Lost..." she said. "I think you were going to tell Alex about his assignment in Ireland?"

"Oh...right..." said Blunt.

"Hold on..." Said Alex, suddenly looking warilly at each of them. "This sounds awefully familliar..."

"Er...well, we thought you needed a bit of a challenge, and he could be your match-"

"Are you talking about what I THINK you're talking about!" Alex demanded.

"Not likely..." Muttered Mrs. Jones...

"Its Fowl?" growled Alex, his eyes narrowing. "Why do I always get paired with Fowl?"

"So you just assume that when we say Ireland, we're talking about Artemis Fowl?" Asked Blunt raising an eyebrow. "Ireland's a big country Alex. Its home to millions of people, not just one fourteen year old..."

"But it is him, isn't it!" Alex pouted.

"Well... yes." Blunt replied. "I know its disappointing Alex, but we're just trying to follow the fad. Do this, and I'll start paying you double."

"You don't pay me anything!" Alex accused.

"Yes, well then it won't make a difference will it?"

"But I don't want to!" Whined Alex. "Your plan to have me meet Artemis Fowl will probably be seriously flawed and won't make any sense whatsoever, firstly because he ISN'T a threat to the government as he has now decided to work on the side of good, and secondly because, according to his author, Artemis Fowl could never be outsmarted that easily! Plus there is absolutely no reason for a boy my age to go and try to compete with his bodyguard! This is ridiculous, even I know that!"

"Your plane leaves tomorrow Alex." Said Blunt. "You do this, or Jack dies."

"Grrr! Why must I always be blackmailed! You'd think I would've learned to avoid showing my weaknesses by now."

"You'd think..." Agreed Blunt.


	2. Chapter 2

Ah, I see you've come back for another chapter of the long awaited parody. I really don't want to keep you from reading the next chapter, but there are some things I'd like to say before you continue.

**Schizophrenic Squirrel, you ROCK! Thank you for your awesome review, and also thank you for writing that truly ingenious parody of yours. I'm glad I'm not the only one who found the Alex Rider series Parody worthy. **

**W'sDN, I thank you as well for the review, and I have done as you requested. Here is the second chapter to the Long awaited parody. I hope its just as review worthy as the first. **

**One further note: Everyone's a little out of character in this story, but that's what makes it funny!**

**One Furtherer note: I don't own a lot of Artemis Fowl and I certainly don't own Alex Rider.**

**One Furthererer note- (receives angry glares from the readers) um… hehe… enjoy the story… **

The Next Day:

Alex's flight had not been a long one, but he still felt exhausted when he arrived in Dublin. According to his 'TOP SECRET' file his alias was to be John Doe (very clever in his opinion.) Not that it really mattered. He and Fowl had met so many times it just wasn't funny, and he doubted that his fake afro would distract the young genius from his true identity. He looked around, waiting to see Fowl's face. Blunt had said that Fowl would pick him up from the Airport, but perhaps the youth was too busy playing with his faerie friends.

"Stupid mission..." Muttered Alex. He'd been repeating this phrase ever since the day before, and would continue to repeat it until the mission was over. He stood on his tip toes, and saw, looming far above the heads of the other airport occupants, the man giant that accompanied Fowl everywhere. Well, there was nothing more to lose, so he pushed his way over to where he'd seen Butler.

"Who did you say they were sending, Butler?" asked Artemis. Alex could just hear what he was saying, but the genius had not spotted him yet.

"A Mr. John Doe," Butler said. Artemis frowned.

"Butler... you do know what 'john doe' means...don't you?"

"Of course I do, Artemis. But I looked this guy up. He's real alright. His description said he was in his early twenties, with an afro. Over six feet tall, so he shouldn't be that hard to spot."

"Yes, just as long as it isn't the Alex Rider fellow again. I'm not sure why MI6 sent him here so many times... it seems a bit retarded doesn't it?"

"This definitely is not Alex Rider," Said Butler. "Here's a picture." He handed Artemis a photo that Butler had printed earlier that day. Alex saw Artemis's jaw drop. "Butler, this is a picture of the USA's President Bush!"

"What? Let me see that!" Butler grabbed it. "So it is..." he smiled.

"Butler!" The youth remained calm, but his voice had an icy edge. "Why are we standing in an airport waiting for an MI6 agent whose name is John Doe and looks remarkably like George W Bush?"

"Let me see it!" Said Alex, suddenly standing by Butler's side. He grabbed the photo before Butler could say anything and groaned. "Damn it!" He said. "I wanted a picture of Sean Connery!"

"Not you again!" Artemis sighed. "Just when I thought we'd finally gotten rid of you!"

"Its not like I took the job willingly!" Alex snapped. "They black mailed me..."

"Again?" asked Artemis. "When will you start taking control of these matters Mr. Rider? If it had been me, I would have already emptied MI6's bank accounts and started black mailing them! Its not rocket science Alex, just extreme hacking."

"Easy for you to say," Muttered Alex. "Your IQ is, like, over a hundred or something!"

MI6 headquarters:

"We're recording all of this, right?" asked Blunt, his nose practically pressed against the screen.

"Of course we are," Mrs. Jones rolled her eyes. "You've asked me that fifteen times already!"

"Oh...I have?" asked Blunt. "Sorry, I forgot."

"You keep on saying that as well," sighed Mrs. Jones.

"We're recording all of this, right?"

"For the last time YES! You already asked that-"

"Sorry, I forgot..."

"You have the shortest memory span i've ever seen." Muttered Mrs. Jones.

"We're recording all of this-"

"I'm going to go buy some more peppermints." She then walked out of the room.

Ireland: Fowl Manor

"So, this is your house," Said Alex, trying desperately to start a conversation.

"I'd think that would be fairly obvious, especially to you since you've been here quite a few times. I honestly don't know what MI6 is thinking. You're a kid! I'd say I need more than a kid for this job..."

Alex didn't respond. Not because he was holding back a witty and nasty come back, or just trying to avoid an argument. As it was, he'd forgotten why they had sent him.

"Well?" asked Artemis, waiting for the boy to respond, as he usually did. "Do you know why they sent a kid?"

"Er..." Alex shuffled his feet impatiently. "could I just consult the file quick?"

Artemis frowned. "You forgot your mission again didn't you."

"Yeah," Alex quickly rummaged through his bag and moments later produced the TOP SECRET file.

"Its a bit obvious, isn't it?" Asked Artemis, raising an eyebrow. "You'd think MI6 would at least attempt to be a little more discreet. We are, after all, talking about the world's safety."

"WE are?" Alex looked shocked, and horrified.

"Yes..." Artemis was trying to figure out if Alex was being sarcastic. The boy certainly wasn't very reassuring as a spy.

"How come nobody EVER tells me these things?" Alex stomped his foot angrily, and threw the folder to the floor.

"I expect they think its fairly obvious since ALL of your missions result in you saving the world from certain destruction." Artemis wished he hadn't needed to tell Alex this, the kid's head was swelled enough as it was. Predictably, Alex's expression jumped from 'horrified' to 'swelling pride'.

"I saved the world?" he asked cautiously, in case he'd misheard.

"Alex," They'd reached the library so he and Alex took a seat. "I'm very curious to know if you actually stay awake during your little 'saving the world' trips. So far you've managed to forget EVERY important part about being a spy! It doesn't make me want to place much trust in you. But I guess, due to MI6's lousy reasoning, you are our only hope. Apparently you're the only one 'resourceful' enough to get past some rich Mary sue's security system, and foil her plans to take over the world,"

"I guess I am," Alex said pompously, checking his nails.

"PLease," Artemis rolled his eyes. "Butler could deactivate that system in a minute with just a tooth pick and some dental floss."

"Uh huh, sure..." Alex said, sounding unconvinced. "Don't worry, I won't go around advertising how pathetic you and your body gaurd are... " he said, trying to recline in the stiff backed chair.

"What are you doing?" Artemis looked skeptically at Alex,

"Reclining..." muttered Alex, "What does it look like?"

"You look like a rubber chicken mr. Rider. Now please sit normally, that chair most obviously does not recline, and I'd prefer it if you didn't break the antique furniture...'

"Hmph!" Alex slouched back down into his normal sitting position, and pouted.

"Now, where were we?" Artemis grabbed the file and opened it up.

"Hey!' Alex was about to grab it back when Butler stepped in front of him. The body gaurd gave him a very stern look, just daring him to try and get past. "Excuse me..." Alex tried flimsily.

"Mr. Rider, the only way you'll get past Butler is if you somehow manage to knock him unconcious which, trust me, does not happen often or easilly. If you so much as poke him, Butler will easilly break your spine in half with just hid bare hands and-"

Artemis stopped as he heard a thump, and looked up from the file to see that Butler had fallen to the ground, apparently unconcious. "what the-"

"I want a coke." Said Alex. "And no fake coke either. The real thing! The stuff you can snort! And I want that file too! Gimme!" Alex snatched the folder away from Artemis, but the young child mastermind didn't seem to notice.

"Butler?" Artemis asked blankly. He was staring wide eyed at where his old friend had fallen. "Mr. Rider," He said, trying to sound like he had everything under control. "Might I ask how you did that?"

"Did what?" asked Alex, distracted by the big red letters. Artemis sighed.

"Nevermind. Juliet!" He called over his shoulder.

"What is it?" asked Juliet, from somewhere down the hall.

"I think you should probably get into the library...fast." He heard her sigh heavily.

"Can't it wait two seconds Artemis?"

"No!" Artemis sounded exasperated. "Juliet, you're supposed to be protecting me!"

"Bring a coke!" shouted Alex.

"Can't Dom do it?" Whined the girl.

"I don't think so..." Said Artemis. "You're brother is unconscious. Mr.. Rider knocked him out."

"Haha!" Came Juliet's amused voice. "Good one Artemis. That Alex kid couldn't knock out a sleeping house fly!" She snorted with laughter. "What do you really want?"

"A COKE!" Shouted Alex. "REAL COKE! THE STUFF YOU CAN SNOR-"

"Mr. Rider! Would you kindly SHUT UP? Nobody is going to bring you cocaine. My family may be one of criminals, but I can assure you that we do not deal with drugs, at least, not directly."

Alex looked disappointed. "Then bring me a pepsi..."

"Very well. Juliet! Could you bring us two pepsis?"

Back at MI6:

"What did he just say?" Blunt looked worried. "Crawley, rewind the tape!"

"To where?" asked the man,

"Where he asked for the drink!"

The tape was rewound. It showed Alex, staring at his TOP SECRET folder and looking miffed. Less then a second later he said "...then bring me a pepsi." Blunt stopped the tape, and his mouth fell open.

"Did he just ask for...Pepsi?"

"That's what I heard..." Said Mrs. Jones. "Why, is something wrong?"

"Alex rider isn't supposed to say the P word..." Whispered Crawley (Blunt was too distressed to answer himself).

"Oh, for heaven's sake!" Huffed Mrs. Jones. "What is so wrong about Alex choosing Pepsi over Coke. Isn't that a personal decision? Its just a drink!"

"Mrs. Jones..." Blunt was holding his head in his hands as he leaned against his desk. "Pepsi does not sponsor Real Spy TV! Coke does, if we air this..."

"I'll just beep it out." said Crawley, shrugging. "Its no big deal!"

"Why, that will make Alex look bad!" Mrs. Jones said. "You can't just go around censoring things that don't need to be censored. Anyway, why does it matter? I thought you were going to stop the show! It really has gone too far-"

"We can censor it this time," said Blunt. "But what if he does it again? What if he keeps on asking for Pepsi and never mentions coke in the show again? Coke will stop sponsoring us...ratings will drop as the Coke fans stop watching... the show will be cancelled." Blunt looked close to tears.

"But the show is already going to be cancelled!" Mrs. Jones pointed out.

"Get Fowl on the phone!" demanded Blunt, ignoring Mrs. Jones and all the sense she was making. "We need to have a chat."

Fowl Manor: Library.

"Here's your stupid Pepsi..." Muttered Juliet darkly as she entered the room holding a tray with two glasses on it. She groaned as she saw that Artemis and Alex were not in the room anymore. "Why do I even bother?" she asked herself. She sat down in one of the leather upholstered armchairs and took one of the glasses.

"Juliet..."

Juliet jumped as she heard someone moaning by her feet.

"Dom?" she asked. "Wh-what happened?" She helped her brother to his feet.

"It was Rider..." He said, groaning and putting a hand to his head. "...Not sure what he did... some kind of karate... blacked out..."

Juliet snorted. "Dom! You silly goose! Quit messing with me. Rider has the lamest karate moves I've ever seen."

"It doesn't matter." sighed Butler, sitting in the chair. "Just as long as you keep Artemis away from him..." He stopped as he saw a look slowly cross his sister's face. "Juliet... tell me you got Artemis away from him..."

"Er... I thought he was joking..."

"WHAT?"

"Well...um... I can explain-" Juliet began, looking nervous. Her brother rarely panicked and this was beginning to freak her out. "Artemis wanted me to bring him and Alex some Pepsi and-"

MI6:

"Crawley! Rewind the tape!" Demanded Blunt.

"There's no need." sighed Mrs. Jones. "We all heard it. Juliet just said the P word."

"That's what I thought!" Blunt said, pounding his fist on the table. "If this keeps up we're going to have to start dubbing them! Where is Fowl! And why isn't he on the phone yet?"

"Mr. Blunt." Came Rosy's voice on the intercom. "Mr. Fowl would like to speak with you..."

"Finally..." Sighed Blunt with relief. "Very well Rosy, put him on the line."

"Uh...sir..." She sounded nervous. "Mr. Fowl would like to talk with you in person..."

"What do you mean in person?" asked blunt, raising an eyebrow. "I'm a busy man..." At this Mrs. Jones stifled a laugh. Blunt ignored her. "...I can't just fly out to Ireland!"

"Sir... Mr. Fowl would like to speak with you in your office... he's here with Mr. Rider... " There was a slight pause as she yelled at Alex for once again destroying one of the potted plants.

"But they'll grow up to be Coke trees!" came the muffled response.

"He's here?" asked Blunt, in a disbelieving voice. "But how did he-?"

"Shall I send him in Mr. Blunt?" Rosy asked, apparently uninterested with how they had arrived so quickly.

"Oh...yes, right away. But don't send Alex in... this doesn't involve him..." Said Blunt. Mrs.Jones coughed loudly. "...er, well it does, but in a very small way. Just keep an eye on Alex, would you?"

There was a heavy sigh. "Fine Mr. Blunt, but only under one condition. You double my pay!" She didn't let Blunt answer, instead she hung up and minutes later Artemis Fowl walked into the office. .. looking extremely annoyed.

"Have a seat Artemis." Mrs. Jones told him, pointing at an unoccupied chair. Artemis said nothing as he sat down, preferring to shoot a piercing vampire glare at Blunt.

"Okay Mr. Fowl, there is a reason I wanted to talk to you..." Began Blunt, looking nervously at Artemis.

"Naturally." Artemis nodded. "I'd imagine its about Alex's behavior so far. He's been acting far too immature for a fourteen year old, and he's quite rude as well. He knocked out my bodyguard, though I'm sure you saw that, and I have to admit that he's becoming quite a hassle. So I hope you have a solution, because if you don't then I'll have to take matters into my own hands. And trust me, you won't like it if that happens." Artemis had been leaning closer towards Blunt with every word spoken, apparently trying to seem imposing. It wasn't working. Blunt rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, its um... about your beverage choice. You see, Coke sponsors Real Spy Tv... so naturally we've got to advertise it a bit... but um... you see, you've been advertising Pepsi... and that's kind of a problem..." He tapped a pen obsessively against his desk. "So here's out solution. You dump out all your Pepsi, and replace it with Coke. We're also trying to hype up the new 'Lime Coke' so if you wouldn't mind picking up a few of those, that would be great." He smiled and reached out his hand for Artemis to shake, as if business had been concluded. Artemis ignored it.

"Mr. Blunt. You and your team are highly unprofessional. This is your final warning. If Alex doesn't calm down then I will be forced to reveal what you're really doing here. I'd also like to point out that, due to certain events regarding YOUR 'spy' injuring MY body guard, the amount of money you've offered me will not be nearly enough. If it wasn't for me taking the path of 'honest' dealing then I could already have ALL of the profits from this ridiculous show sitting in my bank account. As it is, I will spare you just as long as you give me what I want."

There was a silence in which Blunt tapped away furiously with his pen while Mrs. Jones sucked obsessively on her peppermint and Crawley pretended he wasn't there. Artemis waited patiently, knowing that it was only a matter of time before they caved in. To his surprise and annoyance, Blunt dared to snicker.

"What is so funny?" Asked Artemis.

"You're funny Fowl." He said, still laughing. "You honestly think you could do that?"

"Alan..." Warned Mrs. Jones, obviously somewhat smarter than Blunt.

"I know I could do it Mr. Blunt." replied the youth. "But if you'd like to see a demonstration then I'll kindly show you-"

"No no!" Broke in Mrs. Jones (does she have a first name?) , seeing that look come into Blunts eyes that showed he was about to do something really stupid. "We'll agree to whatever you offer, so long as its reasonable. Otherwise we'll simply get Alex out of your house... and send him to that Island..."

"Thank you Mrs. Jones." Said Artemis, appreciatively. "All I want is an extra twenty five thousand. Its not much really, just enough to ensure that I don't start losing money because of this show. Hopefully it will cover any damage that Alex causes."

"Yes, that's fine." Said Blunt impatiently. "But about the coke-"

"And I will NOT promote a ridiculous beverage if there is nothing for me to gain. I realize that it might hit you rather hard, but I don't see what it has to do with me. You might try subliminal advertising. I hear its quite effective." Artemis got up, and showed himself to the door. "Oh, and Mr. Blunt."

"Hmm?" Blunt said, frowning at his desk.

"Alex would also like to speak with you. He seems to think that he didn't give you a long enough lecture about him not wanting to be a spy, and how perfect for the job he is."

"Right." Blunt nodded. "You might want to have Rose make you some tea, Mr. Fowl. This could take a while."


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey, Alex Rider fans! How are you hold'n up so far? (gets hit in the head with a flying shoe) ...Ouch... Well, here's the next chapter. I updated because, amazingly enough, I've gotten nothing but good reviews. (Very few reviews, I might add. But few and good are better than none at all.) prepare yourself for more pointless but incredibly entertaining, Alex bashing! **

As Artemis left, a disheveled looking Rose came into the room dragging Alex by the ear. "...and don't you DARE try spitting anything at Mr. Blunt either! Just look at what you've done! The stain will NEVER come out of my blouse! And my hair! What on earth made you want to stick gum in-"

"Rose." Said Mr. Blunt, loudly. "That's enough. Just leave him here and I'll see to it that he is properly punished. I'd like you to make Mr. Fowl something to drink. I'm expecting Mr. Rider's visit to be on the long side."

"Alan..." Whined Alex. "...Make her let go! She's hurting me!"

"Rose." Alan gave her a look and the Secretary, reluctantly, let go of Alex's ear.

"Fine!" she muttered. "But if he tries anything else, then I'll personally see to it that he is KILLED! I have connections boy!" She hissed at Alex. "The British mafia are NOT people you want to mess with!"

"Yeah!" said Alex, getting cocky again. "Well I'm RIDER! ALEX RIDER! and, trust me lady, you do NOT wanna mess with me! Take that!" He carefully balanced himself, shakily, on one leg and struck out with the other, trying his best to do a karate kick. The rest of the room watched with blank expressions as Alex fell to the floor while knocking his head against Blunt's desk on the way down.

Blunt sighed and rested his head against his palm, as if he had a very bad migraine (which he probably did.) "Rose, you may leave." Rose turned quickly and walked purposefully out of the room. Alan turned to the spy kid who was still lying on the floor. "Well Alex," He said, "How long is this going to take?"

"Er..." Alex got to his feet, rubbing the back of his head. "An hour or two. I just need to make sure that you absolutely understand that no matter how physically perfect, intelligent-"

"Arguably..." Blunt broke in. Alex ignored him.

"- resourceful, smooth and suave I am, I still don't want to be a spy. Oh sure. I may have amazing reflexes, and soccer talents. And my IQ may be at a stunning 34, but I am still just a school boy Alan. And that's all I want to be. Ah, I remember back in the good ol' days before my uncle Igor passed away-"

"Ian." corrected Mrs. Jones.

"What?"

"Your uncle's name was 'Ian'." She repeated.

"Oh, yes yes." He said impatiently. "Back before dear uncle Ian passed away, me and him would go to the park and play catch. He would always throw the ball... and I would... would always..." He choked and tears filled his eyes.

"Alex, is that a true story?" asked Mr. Blunt.

"Well... no." Alex said, tears abruptly stopping. "But who cares? It still shows my grieving towards the loss of my aunt-"

"Uncle." Corrected Alan.

"Yeah, that's what I said! My uncle, who I loved dearly and who... um... well something happened to him that made me really pissed at you people!"

"If you're talking about your uncle losing his life for the greater cause of saving this country, then you might as well save your breath, Alex. We've been over this a hundred times AT LEAST and you still seem to get hung up about all this 'your whole family dieing for us' crap. There's nothing i can do, Alex." He put a hand on the boy's shoulder. "But trust me, if there were, I'd do it in a heartbeat."

"Well... there is something you can do..." Sniffled the boy.

"Uh..." Blunt hadn't been expecting this. "oh er... well. Okay." He and Mrs. Jones looked at each other, both wondering if the other had any idea what this could be, but they soon realized that neither of them knew and returned their gazes to Alex.

"I want you to promise me that you'll do this..." Alex paused and looked dramatically at Alan.

"I can't-" Began Blunt, but was stopped mid-sentence by Mrs. Jones.

"He promises, Alex." She winked at Alan. (Alex didn't notice.)

"I just want you to get me a coke." He shrugged. Alan's face turned red with frustration...

Outside of Alan Blunt's office, Artemis was staring at his feet.

"Here's your tea." Snapped Rose, slamming the cup down on the table so hard that the cup shattered. She pretended not to see as Artemis was suddenly drenched in hot water. Luckily the tea had not been made recently, and Artemis was not harmed.

"Excuse me!" He said, sounding rather shocked.

"What do you want now?" Demanded the secretary. "A foot rub? A cushy pillow? More tea?" She looked him up and down and the gasped. "You're all wet!" She said accusingly.

"Yes, well I was trying to tell you... you just shattered that extremely expensive looking tea cup and-"

"YOU BROKE THE TEA CUP?" She roared suddenly, "You're worse than the other one, aren't you?"

"No, you see-"

"So now you're gonna blame me, huh?" She took a step forward, looking extremely pissed. "We'll see about that! I hate you rich kids! You think you can get away with anything, don't you?"

"Well, as it happens, I CAN get away with anything." Replied Artemis, icily. " Even murder." He smiled his vampiric smile. It was immediately replaced with a look of pure horror as he realized the woman had reached for the tea pot, and Butler was not there to protect him.

"YOU WANT TEA! I'LL GIVE YOU TEA! YOU UNGRATEFUL, SELFISH, LITTLE BOY WITH AN EGO FIT FOR AN ELEPHANT!"

"I don't know what you mean-" Artemis said, reaching for a lamp on the table beside him. He then cursed himself. 'I don't know what you mean'? He was a genius! He knew everything! Except how to escape a crazed secretary, with certain connections to the British mafia. No, He'd definitely NOT planned for that.

"I SWEAR I'LL DO IT!" She yelled, holding the teapot threateningly above his head. "YOU'VE PUSHED FAR TOO MANY OF MY BUTTONS TODAY, AND I DON'T CARE HOW MANY TIMES I'M FIRED! IT'LL ALL BE WORTH IT-"

"-AND THEN YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO ASK FOR ANOTHER COKE!" Came Alan Blunt's voice as Alex was shoved out of the office. "I DON'T WANT TO EVER SEE YOU AGAIN ALEX! AS OF NOW, YOU'RE FIRED!"

"Alan..." Said Mrs. Jones.

"NO! I'VE HAD IT! NO MORE COKE, NO MORE MISSIONS AND NO MORE ALEX!" The door slammed, and Alex looked up at it with confusion.

"Does this mean I can't come back anymore?" He asked, stupidly.

"YES!" Came the muffled response of Alan Blunt.

"Oh... well can I come and water your plants some time?"

"What the- of course you can't!"

"What about-"

"NO!" Shouted both Alan Blunt and Rose at the same time. She dropped the teapot (which shattered) and returned to her desk happily. "I guess I won't be quitting after all." She said, giving Artemis a clearly fake smile. "Oh no, you poor dear. Did I spill some tea on you?"

"Uh..."

"Well, that's no reason to go breaking teapots, dear. But I guess boys will be boys." She laughed good naturedly.

"But I didn't-"

"No matter. I think you and Mr. Rider can leave now."

"But I haven't gotten a new mission!" Argued Alex.

"Good evening," Rose said cheerfully.

"Aren't you listening to me?" Alex yelled, "I still haven't gotten-"

"Yes it is a beautiful day," Rose chirped, "I'm glad that you'll get to go and enjoy it now, bye!" She waved.

"Come on," Sighed Artemis, grabbing Alex by his sleeve and using what little strength he had to try and pull the spy towards the door, "I believe that you, as your kind often say, blew it,"

"But I need a mission! What will I do with out a mission?" Alex sobbed.

"How about I give you a mission Mr. Rider," Artemis suggested, he then leaned over to Alex's ear and whispered out some instructions.

"Got it!" Alex said happily, "So once I find the British Mafia and tell them that I've lost the cash given to them by Artemis Fowl-then what?"

"You stand there, and no matter what happens don't run," Artemis chuckled.

Alex quickly ran to the elevator and pushed all the buttons. Artemis slapped a hand to his forehead, but waved Alex away anyhow. Once the elevator had closed, he turned to see Alan Blunt coming out of his office.

"Did it work?" he asked.

"Mr. Blunt, I am a genius. Of course it worked. He actually believes that the British mafia live in the building next door. Good thing its an insane asylum."

"Wow, that was good." Said Rose. "Why didn't I think to do that?"

"Well it wouldn't have worked anyhow." Artemis explained. "You see, he had to be fired first, otherwise he would've never taken orders from me. Plus, Holly added a little of the mesmer."

"Holly?" Asked Rose, looking skeptical.

"Yes, she's his little fairy friend." Blunt explained.

"Oh..." Rose replied, with dawning realization. "I see. Well that explains the teapot."

"What?" asked Artemis.

"Nothing." She smiled at him, this time a real smile. "Maybe you should join Alex." She suggested.

"I beg your pardon!"

"I know some people next door who have a nice padded room for rent, it comes with a straight jacket. Shall I give them a call?" She reached for the phone.

"No, you shall not give them a call!" Said Artemis, marching up to the desk and grabbing the phone away from her.

"Well there's no need to be frightened, lil' Artemis." She said in a cutsy voice. "They're nice people, in nice white coats-"

"I am not going to go to your 'friends' nice white room, and I most certainly am not insane. Holly, a little help?"

Alan Blunt, Mrs. Jones and Rose all waited patiently to see the fairy appear.

"Holly!" Repeated Artemis, with growing annoyance. Still, there were no fairies. "Oh, you're just enjoying yourself right now aren't you! Make the smart mud boy look like a crazy person? Is that it? I thought we were friends now, Holly!"

"Hmm..." said Rose, watching Artemis with growing concern. "I think I'll just see if they've filled that room yet..." She grabbed the phone back. Artemis didn't notice.

Meanwhile, Alex Rider was half way across the street, and very distracted as he had just caught sight of an errant paper bag, just drifting down the sidewalk. instantly his spy instincts kicked in. what was that paper bag doing out on it's own? at this time of day? in this kind of weather ?(it was sunny with only one or two clouds in the sky) but more importantly, where was it going? the British mafia would have to wait, he thought. Surely Artemis would understand the urgency of the situation.

"Wait!" he cried, flinging himself at the bag. A few passersby watched him struggle with the bag for a few minutes before the bag (and the boy) took off down the street.

"Kids these days..." muttered one.

**Well, it wasn't very long but I hope you enjoyed. And do you know the best way to show that you enjoyed a chapter? Send a review, friendly or flame. I only update when I get reviews... well, thats not true. I just update whenever I fell like it... anyhow, the reviews help! And if you have any suggestions for upcoming chapters, because I have no idea where this story is going, then don't be afraid to speak up.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi AR fans. I'd like to start this chapter out witha big thanksto the brave reviewers who read the story. Thanks to your brilliant reviewing Alex Rider bashing can (and WILL) continue... **

**

* * *

**"Holly! I mean it!" Artemis shouted, he was in Alan Blunt's office, glaring at the ceiling. Alan had suggested that they discuss Artemis's pay but, in all honesty, he just felt bad for the teenage delinquent. 

Blunt cleared his throat, "Arty? Uh- may I call you Arty?" No reply, "Uh...ok than. Well now, let me tell you something about when I was a boy...around your age. I was handsome, athletic, determined, smart and popular...ah yes, being a teenager is always difficult. Why I remember one time when I was asked to the prom by six different girls! Six different lovely girls, they were all cheerleaders and-" He stopped, the boy was still talking to thin air.

"Listen Holly, I don't give a damn about how much trouble you'll get into if you're seen... you'll be in a whole lot more trouble if you don't appear RIGHT THIS INSTANT!" Artemis held a fist into the air threateningly. Blunt watched for a moment and then decided to continue.

"Their names were Britney, Courtney, Inky, Pinky, Blinky and Sue. It was on that terrible and fateful day that I asked two of them to the prom by accident..."

Holly was sitting outside of the building that Artemis had disappeared into about an hour ago. What had happened? At first he had come up with a brilliant plan to rid MI6 of its pest problem and then, after carefully making sure that there were plans B, C, and D he forgot one thing. She needed permission to get into a mudman made building. She wondered how he was coping with the discovery of his failed planning. Poor kid, it could send him into shock.

She sat on a bench with her shield still on and waited. Suddenly a mud boy came bounding out of the building gleefully. He was in some strange out fit...a cross between a tuxedo and a deflated balloon...A Tuxedoloon! It definitely wasn't Artemis, for he neither bounded nor dressed in Tuxedoloons, so this had to be the spy. Holly watched in confusion as the boy got very near to walking into the insane Asylum and then, last moment, something different caught his fancy instead...it was a paper bag. She stared as Alex leapt into the air, pulled a few karate moves, and than started to chase the bag down the street.

Well, there wasn't really anything else to do... other than wait, so Holly decided to follow the boy. Hey, at least he was entertaining.

She hovered about six feet above the mud boy watching as he stalked the paper product and hid behind street lights or trash cans when he thought that it had turned around.

He was just about to pounce on it when a shadow crept into view. He looked up and gasped.

"Sabina! Sabina Pleasure!"

"Alex?" The girl was staring at him... obviously somewhat horrified. "Uh... what are you doing?"

Alex winked at her. "Just rescuing you from this dangerous beast."

"A paper bag?" She continued to stare.

"Yes, but enough about me and my terribly adventurous life. How have you been?"

"I've been great..." She said, as Alex released the paper bag and stood up, shouting to the bag that it had better run. "...up until now, that is..." She muttered.

"Would you like to help me chase down more criminals?"

"Er... well I think I might be busy right now..."

"Nonsense! No ones ever too busy to promote justice!" Alex exclaimed, striking a heroic pose. "Now, AFTER THAT BAG!" Alex took off running. Sabina stood there for a moment, scratched her head, and then turned around and walked quickly in the other direction... away from the bag chase, and more importantly... away from Alex.

"Stop...running!" Panted Alex, as he rounded another corner, still following the escaped bag... and completely ignoring the fact that just two minutes ago, he had told it to run. "Ha!" He said triumphantly, as he fell to his knees gasping for breath. "A...dead...end! You shall terrorize the world no longer!" Alex held up a squirt gun and aimed it at the paper bag. Before the bag could protest (?) Alex fired. The bag dodged it. "Grr! No one dodges Alex Rider!" Alex fired again. The bag dodged again... that, or the wind caught it and blew it away. Or maybe Alex has really bad aim.

Anyhow, after half an hour of more wrestling with the bag, he finally pinned it to the ground, the water gun directed at where Alex thought the bag's head might be.

" I know what you're thinking." He told the Bag. "'Did he fire six shots, or only five?' Well, to tell you the truth in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself." Alex never had been good when it came to math... seeing as how he had fired about two dozen shots, and the water gun was empty. "But, being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya punk?"

The bag had the nerve to nod.

"What!" Demanded Alex, outraged. "No! That's not- you aren't- It's just wrong! Okay!"

The bag stuck its tongue out.

"Stop that! You're supposed to be cowering in fear!" The bag shook its head. "What do you mean 'you don't care?' I'm fucking Alex Rider! You can't dismiss my threats like that! What? I'm the coward? But I'm the one with the gun aimed at your head! What do you mean 'I don't have the guts to fire'? I can fire any time I want to! I just...well... I just..." suddenly Alex broke down crying. "You're right! I can't do it!" He said, clutching the bag. "Not after everything we've been through! Oh bag, can you ever forgive me?"

Holly was still watching the boy. True, she was supposed to be watching out for Artemis... but well... Artemis wasn't this entertaining...

"...Bag... can I ask you a question?" Asked Alex, wiping away his tears. "Do you... do you want to get a coke or something?"

The bag nodded.

"Oh! Great!' Alex said Cheerfully. "I know just the place to get it too!"

----

"... The night went better than expected though, considering that I had to dodge eight different gorgeous girls that all seemed to think I'd asked them to the prom." Blunt was still talking. "It wasn't until someone spiked the punch, and I accidentally called one of the girls by the wrong name that things got really out of hand-"

"Mr. Blunt." Said Artemis, who was sitting cross legged on the floor, trying to meditate. "I don't care about your prom! If you don't mind, I'd really like to go now."

"...But I never told you about Hilary." Blunt said.

"Yes, and I think its better that you don't." Artemis replied, coldly. "So far your little heart to heart with me has inspired nothing within myself but boredom. Butler is probably very worried, as are my parents."

"What about your little fairy friend?" Asked Rose, looking quite amused.

"WHAT little fairy friend, may I ask, is that? As I recall, I've never even met a fairy. As far as I'm concerned, THEY don't exist!" He snapped. He'd decided to ignore Holly for the rest of his life, as pay back.

"You know the one..." Rose insisted. "Hoppy... or Flitty or something like that."

"No, I do NOT!" Artemis' eye twitched in annoyance.

"But we have you on tape," Blunt said, he took out a tape recorder and replayed Artemis yelling at the ceiling.

"That's not me," Artemis said.

"But-" Blunt began.

"That's my twin brother!" Artemis seethed, "He sounds a lot like me, now may I see that tape recorder for a moment?" Blunt shrugged. He didn't see why not. Artemis snatched it from his hand and tried to break it in half. How ever, the attempt didn't go as well as he had suspected it would and he failed miserably.

"I need Butler," He said grumpily.

"He's not here," Blunt said happily, "Now on with the story!"

"Carry on then," Artemis sighed, "The drone of your voice is similar to a mantra, something like 'i had a happy child hood,' being repeated over and over."

Blunt sighed and reached out a hand to put on Artemis's shoulder, "Happy? Those were probably some of the most difficult years of my life. Ah, but you haven't heard about my mom and the chocolate chip biscuit incident now have you?"

"I'm sure that its absolutely tragic," Artemis agreed.

"Yes, well, She was baking biscuits for my birthday party and I had invited the neighbor girls, they were triplets and they all looked alike. Well, is it any wonder that I managed to call each of them Nancy before the night was up?"

"How did Nancy feel about that?" Asked Rose.

"It turned out that there was no Nancy," Blunt said, "Well, not out of the three of them. No, that was their mother's name-"

"You mistook them for their mom?" Rose asked.

"Understand that their mother was a perfectly youthful looking woman! Even if she was fifty-seven. Well, the girls forgave me because I have a way with words and I managed to learn their real names before I called them Bob-"

"Bob?" Rose asked.

"Their father. Anyways, their names were too hard to remember so I gave them nicknames. And they thought that this was just darling so there they were Moe, Larry and Curly. Back to the biscuits! Now my mother had just finished baking the biscuits when Moe decides that she wants one right way...was it Moe? I can't remember now... anyways, one of them took a biscuit but it was too hot to hold so up it went! Into the air! Well, if I didn't act quick it would land onto the floor. This isn't to say that my mother's floor was ever dirty but giving a guest a biscuit off of the floor is rather rude so I saw my chance and leapt into the air! It was all slow motion from there on..."

Artemis's meditation had gone a little too well and he had fallen asleep.

_Buzz! BUZZ!_

Rose rushed over to her desk and looked at the moniter for the security camera.

"Uh... Mr. Blunt..." She said, uncertainly.

"... and after they'd thanked me for about the dozenth time, for rescuing Moe's cookie I- what is it Rose?" Blunt sounded slightly irritated.

"Sorry sir, but I think this might be serious."

"Serious enough to have my childhood reminiscing interrupted! I was just getting to the really good part!"

Artemis made a sort of snorting huffing noise from behind him.

"Yes, Mr. Blunt." Said Rose. "Its uh... It's Mr. Rider. He's uh... back."

"WHAT!"

"...With a paper bag..."

"WHAAAAAT!" Mr.Blunt yelled even louder for no particular reason other then to jolt Artemis awake.

"He wants to know if his little friend can join him," Rose said, obviously in between sobs of Alex's return and amusement of his ridiculous stupidity.

"What? The paper bag?" Asked Blunt.

"Apparently,"

Mr. Blunt sighed and looked at Artemis, who had no intention of sighing but did manage to look annoyed while keeping up his calm and cool manner.

"Very well Rose, tell him that his little friend may come as well," Blunt said, "But he better make this quick."

Immediately, almost as if Alex had been listening in on the conversation all along, the door to Blunt's office was thrown open and in skipped Alex Rider, looking even more OOC then usual. "Mission accomplished!" He exclaimed, holding up the paper bag. His face was flushed from the joy of a job well done, in record time too. But neither Mr. Blunt nor Artemis Fowl seemed very excited about it.

"Since when did we ask you to go a collect a paper bag?" Asked Blunt.

Alex's face suddenly went blank. "Uh..." He looked at Artemis.

Artemis shook his head.

Then Alex looked at the bag for a few long awkward moments. "Oh yeah!" He yelled when he'd retrieved his thoughts from the throw out bin in the back of his brain, "The bag told me to do it!"

"The bag?" Asked Blunt.

"Yeah! Its the bag's fault, you see?"

"Alex..." Blunt started, hesitantly. "Are you saying that this bag... asked you to bring it here?"

"It wanted a coke!" Alex explained.

"No!" Rose said. "Mr. Blunt! He's using it as an excuse to put his demonic powers to use and DESTROY your office... and possibly the world..."

"Rose..." Blunt sighed. " Don't you think you're over reacting somewhat?"

She stared blankly.

"Right..." Blunt turned to Artemis. "Well? Don't you have some smart and intelligent advice to add here?"

"Wait at least an hour to go swimming after you've eaten," Replied Artemis, and then, "Oh, you mean about the situation...uh...no, I've just remembered something kind of important and I think I might have left it outside."

"Okkkaaay..." Blunt rolled his eyes, and turned to his office door. "JONES!" He yelled. "I'm going out for a few drinks! You're babysitting!"

The room was instantly filled by the very strong scent of peppermint as Mrs. Jones re-entered the story, "Yes sir," She said, "Anything special that I need to know?"

"Oh...well," Blunt looked back at Alex, the bag and a very VERY indignant Artemis, "Don't give Alex too much soda, it keeps him up all night. The paper bag should probably stay in the corner and Artemis gets a little fussy when he's tired so I like to put him to sleep with Good Night Moon."

"Very well," Said Mrs. Jones.

"But you always read Good Night Moon to meeeee!" Whined Alex. Instantly he was on the floor wailing, "Please Blunt! Don't leave! I promise I'll be good! I won't say a word but pleeeeease don't leave me with Mrs. Jones! She doesn't know shit about kids-"

"Starting on that note," Mrs. Jones snapped irritably as Mr. Blunt ignored Alex and closed the office door behind him, "You can go sit in the corner with Bag for your profanity!" She pointed to a corner and Alex skulked into it. Dragging the bag with him.

In the corner:

"Can you believe this, bag?" Asked Alex moodily, "Why is it always the corner? Its not like I did anything bad! Are your higher ups ever this mean?"

The bag gave a sigh.

"That bad eh?" Asked Alex, "Well don't worry, we'll get our coke eventually. Hey, I feel kind of bad just calling you bag. What's your real name?" He leaned his ear over to the paper bag to hear, "Really? No, I don't think its a stupid name! I think its really cool!"

The bag shrugged.

"No," Insisted Alex, "I really do- what's that? There's some one behind me?" He looked up and found that Artemis had joined them.

"Where have you been?" Asked Alex.

"Don't you mean, what am I doing here?" Asked Artemis.

"No, I know what I'm doing here!" Laughed Alex, "What are YOU doing here?" He nudged the bag and gave the crazy sign.

"Mr. Rider! I am here because Mrs. Jones insists that children with quick mouths ought to be beaten. How ever, since I reminded her that beating me would be illegal she has agreed to negotiate and send me to the corner. " Artemis said, sitting down. Alex made a face.

"I would have taken the beating," He said.

"Well I prefer keeping my dignity, Mr. Rider. And despite the fact that I've just been told to go sit in the corner at the age of fourteen by a peppermint addict just because she doesn't like kids I still have more dignity then you would have if you were beaten - " He stopped, "On second thought I just have more dignity then you, period."

"Ok," Alex shrugged, he started playing patty cake with the bag, "Hey Art!" Alex said.

"Its Artemis," Artemis corrected.

"Yeah, that!" Alex huffed, "Have you met my friend bag yet?"

"Mr. Rider," Artemis sighed, closing his eyes and trying to imagine a nice dark basement some where with lots of computers, "You're a delinquent, did you know?"

"Am I?" Asked Rider, " And you must be an Aquarius, am I right? Now say hello to my friend-"

"I do not fancy saying hello to your friend," Artemis hissed, "And use your indoor voice. Mrs. Jones says-" he frowned. Was that bag laughing at him?

"Hey bag!" Alex laughed, "I've got something for you!" He pulled a marker out from his special Alex Bond utility belt and attacked the bag with it, "Its MAKE OVER TIME!" He squealed. There was some protesting from the bag and a few 'stop moving i'm nearly done'' s and, after three minutes Alex was putting the finishing touches on the bag's new face. It was a giant yellow smiley with it's tongue out.

"Alex," Artemis muttered, "May I see that marker?" Alex handed it over and turned to the bag with a mini mirror( also from the belt)

"So? What do you think?" He asked it, "Its a whole new you! Right?"

"Alex, this is a black marker," Artemis said from behind the two gabbers.

"I know!" Alex continued (to the bag), "At first I thought that blue was your color but then I realized that most people's tongues were red so-"

"Alex!" Artemis said, prodding the boy in the back, "If this marker is black...how did it create yellow and red?"

"Dunno, Art," Alex shrugged.

"Its Artemis!"

"Yeah, that. Now look at Holly! Isn't she ravishing?"

"Holly?" Artemis asked. Alex was pointing to the smiley faced bag.

"Yeah, Holly!" Alex said, "That's this bag's name! Holly Short!"

"Alex..." Artemis reached for the bag, "Have you ever considered that bags don't talk?"

"What now?" Asked Alex.

"Well, you see. Bags lack the proper parts to have a voice. Most importantly they lack a brain, a heart, lungs and vocal chords...so, you see, either this is a veeeery special bag...or there is a fairy inside of it."

"I know its a special bag!" Alex nodded, giving the bag a cuddle.

"No, Mr. Rider!" Artemis sighed, "What I mean is that the bag isn't special at all. There is some one inside of your bag!"

"Oh, one of your fairies I suppose," Alex rolled his eyes, "Aren't you a little old for imaginary friends, Art?"

"Its Artemis!" Artemis growled.

"Yeah, that,"

"Stop it!" Artemis said, "Stop it this instant! You're trying to confuse me and it won't work so-"

"Prat," Mutter Alex.

"What did you just say?" Artemis narrowed his eyes.

"Looney," Alex continued to taunt.

"Now listen here-"

"You..." Alex leaned over to hear a suggestion from the bag, "Dumb person!" He said triumphantly!

Artemis could feel his cool slowly slipping away. Which was pretty damn amazing since it had held up in many more and crueler cool-draining situations.

"Holly!' He said, looking at the bag for any sign of recognition, "Whats happened? Don't you remember me? We used to be f---fr---fri- frie- frien- acquaintances!" His eyes filled with tears.(Getting more and more ooc by the moment) "I thought you cared Holly!" Artemis said dramatically. Then he calmed down and everything was just as if it had never happened, "Alex, may I see that bag?" He asked.

"It's name is Holly!" Said Alex in a scandalized tone.

"Fine, may I see Holly?" Asked Artemis.

"Dunno, Art. Ask him yourself,"

"Its Artemis!"

"Yeah that,"

"And fine! I will ask HER," Artemis grabbed for the bag and Alex immediately slapped him. "WHAT NOW?" Asked Artemis, glaring at Alex.

"What do you mean 'what now'? Alex said, quoting Artemis in a high pitched whiney voice, "Lets see, first you get confused with Holly's gender and then you try to strangle him! That's what Mr. Smart...boy!"

"First of all," Artemis growled, "Its a bag! And if there IS a Holly Short in there, then he is actually a SHE, my misinformed and regrettable acquaintance. As for the strangling, I was just trying to take the bag and open it!"

"oh."

"Now if you'll just give me the damn bag, we can put an end to this stupid debate!" Artemis grabbed for the bag, and... was slapped... again. "MOTHER F- What was that for!"

Alex shrugged. "Dunno. I guess it was just my amazing Alex Rider, super spy reflexes kicking in. Impressive, huh?"

Artemis stared at him, growing more frustrated every second. He looked like he desperately wanted to crush Alex with HIS impressive vocabulary but instead said "...actually it was..." He quickly covered with "... but that's not the point! Please hand the bag OVER! And don't you dare slap me again."

"Yaaaup!" Alex handed the bag over, and then looked around the room. "I'm gonna go look for some cokes. You want one?"

"No." Artemis responded shortly.

"Then its just me and bag." Alex got up, and snuck out of the corner. Artemis sighed with relief. And turned to the bag.

"Now Holly, I can't tell you how sorry I am that-" He opened the bag and stared... blankly. It was empty.

* * *

**WHOA! Cliffhanger! Didn't expect that! ...what do you mean it isn't a cliffhanger? Don't you want to know WHY Holly isn't in that bag? WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'NO'? Oh well... Review anyhow. You KNOW how much I love reviews!... please?**


End file.
